Back by popular "command" and, at last, a funny American!

Where did the time go?

After being accused of increasing global warming using some very spurious logic involving having to log in and check this blog, only to find no new news, I decided I ought to add some more and looking back January was my last entry, hence "where did the time go????"

We now have settled nicely in to our new home, it really is a very comfortable house, so much so that we are trying to figure out that if and when we return to the UK (still when rather than if) how can we build this home there? The answer generally involves around acres and cash, but it would be great to do so, it is roomy, very very roomy, it's nothing exceptional from an American perspective, but we can banish children to the other end of the house and they can be killing each other, we can't hear it. Very bad parenting, very relaxed household.

At last the darling children have found some friends and play outside instead of being glued to game consoles and laptops. We purchased the laptop to keep Lorraine and the kids in touch with friends and family in the UK. If the kids get a go they argue about whose turn it is to on Penguin Club (no idea before you ask), however, this is unusual as Lorraine has now mastered the Facebook/Skype applications and is more in touch with UK friends and family even more than when we were at home.

It is quite interesting, and very much how it should be, that kids here seem to remain kids much longer. Sarah has found a friend that is around 11-12, two years older than her, and they are very similar in behaviour and style. The clothes that the big department stores sell for kids are also nowhere near as adult as the UK. Why does the UK market want to turn kids into adults so quickly? We end up with these difficult to manage "kidults" whose expectations and dreams do not involve family orientated pastimes, just self centred and slightly selfish attitudes. I can't remember when this change happened, but it is crystal clear the difference, and if we are a nation that copies much of the US culture, good and more often than not bad, this would be a good one to latch on to, but I think it will be a long time coming!

We got through early Spring, which was generally similar to home, but warmer on the warm days. Yesterday (May 3rd) brought some of our most impressive weather so far. Starting out as rainy, brightened up mid day and then around 4pm we saw the angriest sky, huge rolling clouds, just how we imagined a pre-tornado sky would look. The speed it moved was incredible, low fast thunder clouds with fork lightening and loud thunder to accompany, we thought we heard a siren, which we took to be a weather warning, and the view behind the storm was very restricted by what we took to be rain. As the veil of "rain" got closer we heard an odd noise, and just as it reached around 50 feet away we saw it was hail, mostly the size of large marbles, but as thick as dense snowfall, reducing visibility to no more than feet. As it passed over, the ground was covered like snow and the water from melting hail filled the channels on either side of the road. The noise was tremendous and the house full of children we acquired to avoid the storm became very excited at the whole scene and then, it stopped. As suddenly as it had arrived, the storm roared away to the East and for the rest of the day the ground was sodden and low level thunder growled away in the distance. An awesome natural performance.

We are living in an area that is predominately irrigated desert, so when we do have rain the area gets very green and beautiful. I was recently invited to play golf by a client (it's a tough life!) and the course we played was at the bottom of "our" canyon (what do you mean you haven't got a canyon? really? what a shame!), next to the Snake river. As we waited for a fellow golfer to arrive I was looking at the surrounding flora and fauna and thinking how colour full and attractive it was, as I did so a small deer just walked slowly through the bushes behind the 9th tee, lovely moment and what a great afternoon.

One issue of great concern was the US sense of humour. The people I have spoken with, when the subject of humour comes up, my heart sinks every time as the name Benny Hill rears his (ugly, sexist, unfunny, slapstick, not clever or intricate, smack in the face, crap comedy) head. They lap him up here and it is very very depressing. There are very few people who seem to get irony, sarcasm and wit as perfectly fair forms of fun, which leaves me in a difficult situation, as that what makes me laugh. However, on perusing the Internet a few days back I came across the article below, allegedly written by someone who had been co-opted on to a judging panel for a Chili cook off competition, which is not an unusual event in this competitive society. No matter that it is made up or genuine it made me laugh, and restored my faith that Mr Hill is not the only kind of thing that makes people laugh. Enjoy, and I promise I will write some more and more regularly in future.

Chili Cook Off:

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted"

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano (bleach!). Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No Report

Well I thought it was funny!!